Eh

My father has always been the first to rub something in.  For example, I'm thirty-seven years old and he still torments me on my lack of softball skills.  He fails to mention that he was the coach of a losing team (every single game) for four years straight.  And he fails to see that lack of skills is not the same as lack of interest.  So, when I shared with my mother this morning that both of the moms I had written to last week about their boys reaching out to Sal had approached me at last night's back to school night and thanked me for the kind words, my father couldn't wait to jump on me for overreacting and being overly sensitive.

Let's not mention the fact that I already felt bad about the words I said about them in private, but that I had also via said blog publicly outed them as being cruel, insensitive, and lacking basic courtesy.  Yes, I feel better that they acknowledged my message.  Do I think they could have done it sooner?  Absolutely!  But, I guess they just aren't together enough to do it.  They claimed they were too busy and/or distracted to write a reply.  I am trying to be better understanding of that.  I really, really am.  It's a sign of the times, or so I am told.  It's those little, day to day things things that I happen to be good at, so I guess I'm critical of others who aren't.  I'm terrible at birthdays and anniversaries and that kind of crap, so I guess it evens out, right?

Anyway, I'd like to say that I am thankful for the kind words these moms shared with me last night and of their boys, and I'd like to make known that I was wrong and put the whole damn thing behind me.  They were in my prayers last night and will be in my prayers again tonight as I am going to need all the help I can get from this strange little town for Sal.

It was not a good night last night for that boy.  He is dealing with a lot of anger, from where I can't say other than it maybe it's his pent up energy from not speaking all day at school.  He's always had a lot of anger, but now he's old enough to hurt me and last night he tried.  He actually kicked me in the leg.  I'm afraid, not of him doing harm to me now, but of what he could become.  Growing up, my next door neighbors had a boy who was very angry and aggressive and he beat up his mom several times, mostly when high.  Sal does not have his same characteristics as a child, but anger is anger whatever the source, and I don't want him to turn to all the things that anger can lead a person to.

Today we have a 504 meeting for him at the school for his selective mutism, and I hope to explore some counseling and anger management there to help him through this.  How does an educator of almost twenty years who has worked with some seriously disturbed children not know how to deal with her own child's struggles?  I am terribly frustrated, saddened, and exhausted with myself.  So, tonight you all know what will be in my prayers, and I hope I can remain in yours.

In other news, I have made some progress towards my October challenge.  The challenge is to treat myself to ten acts of pampering.  I haven't quite decided what all ten are.  This might be one of the hardest challenges, if not the hardest challenge, in the course of the next year.  It's in honor of my birthday.  When I first became pregnant, I had vowed to not let myself become one of those frump-a-dump moms.  I did OK after Sal, but after each pregnancy I slipped more and more into the Mom-Who-Let-Herself-Go.  Mainly, it happened because a) I couldn't lose the weight.  It's a lot easier to dress cute when you can fit into your old cute clothes.  And b) I have no money to buy clothes.  Because I fit into nothing, I needed an entire new wardrobe, several hundred dollars worth and just didn't have the money to buy it.  I'd pick up some sweats at Target or a new t-shirt, but to go out and spend big bucks on jeans that fit right was just not possible.  After having ten pound Milo, I couldn't even fit into my fat jeans so I have basically lived in sweats since 2011, and now even my sweats are looking pretty awful.

Therefore, my first act of pampering in October will be to wear a cute outfit (comfy, but cute) every day.  I had a few rewards certificates from Old Navy and ordered two pairs of leggings and one pair of jeans earlier this week.  I'm hoping these leggings have the "look at the cute girl on Pinterest wearing those leggings" effect, and not the "meanwhile, at Wal-mart" effect.  I really don't need my ass showing to all the school at pick up time.  As for the jeans, I've recently read that Old Navy jeans are "gateway mom jeans" and read a blog showing the difference between them and higher end denim.  I vowed after reading that blog that I would only buy ass-flattering jeans from then on, but I don't have rewards certificates to any other store and basically, right now, any new pair of jeans are not five year old stained Penn sweats even if they are Old Navy.  I have also invested in a few very over-sized sweaters and blouses to hide any unflattering ass-shaping bottoms.

As far as clothes go, I should be in good shape to look semi put together for the month of October and into the winter.  Shoes are proving a more difficult dilemma, but that is a whole other post of its own.