This past weekend marked the two year anniversary of the Sandy Hook massacre. Shortly after it happened a Facebook friend, an old friend from high school who is now a writer, shared a blog entry she had composed. She made the remark that this wasn't her tragedy and didn't want to pretend that she was feeling what all those families had felt. Well, I don't agree with her. Sandy Hook was my tragedy. It was every parent's tragedy, every teacher's tragedy, every town's tragedy. It was an American tragedy and we all should own it. No, I don't know the grief they are feeling, but I can imagine it pretty damn near closely. I've said before that Sal was a first grader at the time of the shooting and for weeks after it happened I could not get out of my head it happening to his class. I couldn't get out of my head the terror those children must have felt. I could not get out of my head how frantic that faculty must have felt. I couldn't get out of my head, putting Sal's face and his classmates' faces to those faces. I couldn't get out of my head, seeing myself sitting at the local firehouse looking into the faces of the parents whose children were in Sal's class and knowing it was their room he came into. It was that image that we don't think a lot about, but I remember that's where the Sandy Hook parents went to wait for their children. They went to the firehouse and waited and probably one by one as the children came in and met their parents in tearful hugs, the others sat. There must have been a slow realization as those parents of the victims sat looking at each other the connection they shared. And somehow I put myself there in the firehouse and it was me. We all feel their pain in some way.
Distraction...distraction is what I need because if I allowed myself, I could drown in the remembrance of that day. And thankfully this season, Bell-Bell is providing a nice distraction. Yes, all you Elf on the Shelf haters, Bell-Bell is keeping me sane this year. Bell-Bell, the Elf, was given a very special task this year in my home and it was to distract...or maybe I should say the opposite; it was to focus. He directs our focus each day, and each day our focus is each other and sharing something simple of the Christmas spirit. And it's working! That little elf has given me back to my children and Christmas back to me.
So here is what Bell-Bell has been having us do since my last post:
December 9th: Make a cake for Milo's birthday. I swore I would never have a December baby, but you know, that's not exactly in your control and along came Milo, right in the middle of the Christmas festivities.
December 10: Have a movie night (on a school night!) and watch Rudolph and Frosty. We have these two on DVD. I kind of miss the waiting for the Christmas special to come onto TV, but this way is nice because we can watch them early and still get in bed before 8.
December 11: Decorate the Christmas tree! My goal since having Miles is to have my house decorated in time for Miles's birthday party. This was an easy one to work into the schedule.
December 12: Cut out paper snowflakes. Yes! I bought a stack of white coffee filters and after some arguing about scissors and cutting ability, Sal, Eli, and I settled into making a giant mess of paper in the kitchen. This one brought back so many memories. I taped the snowflakes to all of our windows.
December 13: Party! Enjoy Milo's birthday party. Christmas had to take a back seat to the birthday boy.
December 14: Bake cookies with mom. After Milo's party, our nephews stayed for a sleepover. Their mom doesn't bake, so last year I had them over to bake cookies and decided to continue the tradition this year. They each helped with one batch and then were off and playing, but it's a memory for them and it's fun for me. My boys wanted nothing to do with baking last year, but this year, maybe because of Bell-Bell, they were very excited to help. I'm not a Lego builder or a video game player, but this is something I can do with them. I can read with them. I can bake with them. I can do crafts (simple ones!) with them. This year when they were excited to bake with me, it made me feel...I can't even describe. Last year was a real downer when they really wanted nothing to do with the things I love. They're boys. We were touching on that "cool" factor and that it's not cool to bake with your mom. Thankfully, they've gotten past that...with a little help from Bell-Bell.
December 15: Watch Miracle on 34th Street. I can't really say this was an epic fail, but it was a fail nonetheless. They gave it a shot, but as I was watching it through their eyes, they really aren't at the age to appreciate it; after all, they believe...Maybe in ten years time if Bell-Bell is still making his appearances.
December 16: Bell-Bell brought us each a candy cane and I made crockpot hot chocolate. I was hoping for a cold, snowy day, but a somewhat chilly rainy afternoon would have to do. They loved it.
December 17: Today Bell-Bell has instructed Daddy and the boys to string up Christmas lights outside. We generally don't decorate the outside of our house because, well, here's my vanity (my house vanity) coming into play...our house is ugly. It's in desperate need of a new porch, new siding, new paint, etc., etc., all things we have no money to repair. I'd rather not draw any more attention to it by stringing lights and shining spotlights on it. The boys do not understand this, so with the help of Bell-Bell, I'm getting over my own insecurities and letting them have a decorated house.
And here's the special part about this whole Elf adventure...I truly believe there is some magic at work. Last night I went out to a chorus concert. The community chorus I sing with goes to a couple retirement homes and performs our concert for the elderly there. I had to leave early because this particular home has a strict 8 o'clock bedtime. While I was gone, completely unbeknownst to me, my Eli apparently went up to Bell-Bell and whispered a secret in his ear. He asked him to hide in the Christmas tree. I came home after they were in bed and it was my job to find a new spot and guess where I picked? Yup! The tree! My husband came up and told me after seeing where I put Bell-Bell what Eli had whispered. Somehow that whisper made it to my ear. Some Christmas magic and Divine coincidence at work, if you ask me.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
I Didn't Get the Job
Well, the school day has come and gone with no phone call, so I guess that means I didn't get the job. No love lost, right? I mean it's not like I got this great vibe during the interview and really liked the people. They barely said two words to me outside of reading from a piece of paper. But it still sucks to be rejected. Let's face it, I'm a bit lost here in New Jersey and this rejection is one more chance gone by to find my place. I know, I know. If I didn't get the job, my place wasn't meant to be there. But where? I thought I had it at the adult high school and it was such a fleeting moment in a lifetime.
I hear my boys coming home now. At least I know my place with them.
I hear my boys coming home now. At least I know my place with them.
Bell-Bell
Three years ago I was nine months pregnant with a ten pound baby and wasn't thinking straight. I was in Target one day hobbling along and saw that damn Elf on the Shelf and thought Awwww, how cute! My boys will love having an elf!
This is ironic because at the time I was a miserable bitch who found no joy in life whatsoever. Nothing was even remotely cute to me. Nothing...except that creepy elf.
And once you're in, you're in. I got to pinning all the cute antics an elf can get into and my husband and I started out having a blast, but then what do you do when the elf is fishing in your toilet and you have to pee? You can't move him. The book says so! He'll lose his magic! We can't have Bell-Bell lose his magic! (That's our elf's name--Bell-Bell. Sal named him.)
Once he took a bath in marshmallows, only I forgot that the cat LOVES marshmallows and Bell-Bell was accosted and there were marshmallow paw prints all over my dining room table. The boys burst into tears because the cat had touched Bell-Bell and his magic was gone. No, animals have Christmas magic, too, so they can't hurt elf magic. Oh, the lies I've told in the last three years.
Now, compound the elf pressure with the fact that I haven't really gotten along with Christmas the last several years. Something always seems to happen that makes the holiday very difficult to enjoy. Our first Christmas with Sal we were battling some pretty serious ear infections that could not be cured. We were also facing him having surgery in the new year on his penis. His foreskin was slightly twisted, so he'd need to have a special circumcision to correct it. It's all fine now, but at the time, well, you can imagine. Two Christmases later we were at the emergency vet on Christmas Eve with our dog who somehow injured her back. The vet said she'd never walk or run again and we were faced with putting her down. (The vet was wrong and it turned out all right, but that Christmas was pretty awful.) The Christmas after that was following my unemployment. Then there was Sandy Hook. That was the worst. Sal was a first grader at the time, and well, that hit very close to home. I was ready to pack it all up, but you can't when you have kids. I think most of us went through the motions that year. Last year, the cat's tail got lopped off in the door.
Life doesn't stop for Christmas, or for that damn elf! But, this year I stumbled across advent activities to do with your kids each day leading up to Christmas, and I thought what better way to love that elf again and maybe to start enjoying Christmas again. This instantly became my December challenge. Twenty-four days of stopping and spending time with my boys care of Bell-Bell. You see, Bell-Bell brings us the activity each day. There are no antics this year. Each day he turns up in a different spot with a little note. Some are simple little crafts (I only do simple.) Some are activities we have to do anyway, so we just worked them into the schedule. Here is what he's had us do so far:
December 1st: Bell-Bell appeared with his book and movie and we read and watched the movie together.
December 2nd: Bell-Bell put out some paper and markers and the boys wrote their letters to Santa. (This was fun because it was the first year Eli was able to write his own letter.)
December 3rd: Bell-Bell brought out the manger and we set up the nativity together.
December 4th: Family game night!
December 5th: Bell-Bell built a pyramid out of some canned goods and instructed us to go to the grocery store and pick out a few more to drop off at the food pantry. (Took the bags to church with me yesterday!)
December 6th: Make reindeer food. I passed this one off to my husband as he hadn't done much with them and I was out of the house that morning. What's reindeer food? Oatmeal and sugar mixed together. We had some colored sugar so that made it festive looking.
December 7th: Bell-Bell told us that we were to go to the tree farm and pick out our tree. Our tree farm even has tractor rides.
December 8th: Today Bell-Bell brought decorated paper for us to make paper chains. (I bought these strips from Oriental Trading a few years ago for a couple bucks and never got around to doing them with the boys. They have sat at the bottom of a storage tub far too long. Bell-Bell is also helping us to clean out.)
There are the people that hate the elf and have banned him from their homes. Then there are the people that love the elf and the set-ups and the antics. And for the record, I don't feel these people are doing these elaborate set-ups to outdo the neighbor's elf. I think they do it because it's fun. I mean, it is fun. We made some pretty cool scenes, and the boys loved it. But, suddenly it became work. Suddenly, I hated Bell-Bell. I don't want to hate Bell-Bell. Bell-Bell is magic. Bell-Bell is love. He's our own special elf.
Bell-Bell, this year, is my therapist. He's still a little bit of work, but the end result of the work isn't a toilet I can't use for an entire day. The end result is a few minutes to sit down with my boys and forget about the checkbook or the interview or homework. So Bell-Bell is good this year.
This is ironic because at the time I was a miserable bitch who found no joy in life whatsoever. Nothing was even remotely cute to me. Nothing...except that creepy elf.
And once you're in, you're in. I got to pinning all the cute antics an elf can get into and my husband and I started out having a blast, but then what do you do when the elf is fishing in your toilet and you have to pee? You can't move him. The book says so! He'll lose his magic! We can't have Bell-Bell lose his magic! (That's our elf's name--Bell-Bell. Sal named him.)
Once he took a bath in marshmallows, only I forgot that the cat LOVES marshmallows and Bell-Bell was accosted and there were marshmallow paw prints all over my dining room table. The boys burst into tears because the cat had touched Bell-Bell and his magic was gone. No, animals have Christmas magic, too, so they can't hurt elf magic. Oh, the lies I've told in the last three years.
Now, compound the elf pressure with the fact that I haven't really gotten along with Christmas the last several years. Something always seems to happen that makes the holiday very difficult to enjoy. Our first Christmas with Sal we were battling some pretty serious ear infections that could not be cured. We were also facing him having surgery in the new year on his penis. His foreskin was slightly twisted, so he'd need to have a special circumcision to correct it. It's all fine now, but at the time, well, you can imagine. Two Christmases later we were at the emergency vet on Christmas Eve with our dog who somehow injured her back. The vet said she'd never walk or run again and we were faced with putting her down. (The vet was wrong and it turned out all right, but that Christmas was pretty awful.) The Christmas after that was following my unemployment. Then there was Sandy Hook. That was the worst. Sal was a first grader at the time, and well, that hit very close to home. I was ready to pack it all up, but you can't when you have kids. I think most of us went through the motions that year. Last year, the cat's tail got lopped off in the door.
Life doesn't stop for Christmas, or for that damn elf! But, this year I stumbled across advent activities to do with your kids each day leading up to Christmas, and I thought what better way to love that elf again and maybe to start enjoying Christmas again. This instantly became my December challenge. Twenty-four days of stopping and spending time with my boys care of Bell-Bell. You see, Bell-Bell brings us the activity each day. There are no antics this year. Each day he turns up in a different spot with a little note. Some are simple little crafts (I only do simple.) Some are activities we have to do anyway, so we just worked them into the schedule. Here is what he's had us do so far:
December 1st: Bell-Bell appeared with his book and movie and we read and watched the movie together.
December 2nd: Bell-Bell put out some paper and markers and the boys wrote their letters to Santa. (This was fun because it was the first year Eli was able to write his own letter.)
December 3rd: Bell-Bell brought out the manger and we set up the nativity together.
December 4th: Family game night!
December 5th: Bell-Bell built a pyramid out of some canned goods and instructed us to go to the grocery store and pick out a few more to drop off at the food pantry. (Took the bags to church with me yesterday!)
December 6th: Make reindeer food. I passed this one off to my husband as he hadn't done much with them and I was out of the house that morning. What's reindeer food? Oatmeal and sugar mixed together. We had some colored sugar so that made it festive looking.
December 7th: Bell-Bell told us that we were to go to the tree farm and pick out our tree. Our tree farm even has tractor rides.
December 8th: Today Bell-Bell brought decorated paper for us to make paper chains. (I bought these strips from Oriental Trading a few years ago for a couple bucks and never got around to doing them with the boys. They have sat at the bottom of a storage tub far too long. Bell-Bell is also helping us to clean out.)
There are the people that hate the elf and have banned him from their homes. Then there are the people that love the elf and the set-ups and the antics. And for the record, I don't feel these people are doing these elaborate set-ups to outdo the neighbor's elf. I think they do it because it's fun. I mean, it is fun. We made some pretty cool scenes, and the boys loved it. But, suddenly it became work. Suddenly, I hated Bell-Bell. I don't want to hate Bell-Bell. Bell-Bell is magic. Bell-Bell is love. He's our own special elf.
Bell-Bell, this year, is my therapist. He's still a little bit of work, but the end result of the work isn't a toilet I can't use for an entire day. The end result is a few minutes to sit down with my boys and forget about the checkbook or the interview or homework. So Bell-Bell is good this year.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
To Call or Not to Call
It has been a very interesting week. Was Thanksgiving really just a week ago? I'm having a hard time trying to wrap my brain around that. First, I'm somewhat happy to announce that I somewhat completed my November challenge of thirty scrapbook pages in thirty days. I completed the layouts for all thirty pages. Sadly, I did not complete all of the embellishments. I got about six pages completed before I had to pack it all up in preparation for Christmas. But, thirty pages! Thirty new pages are sitting there just waiting for a few stickers and stamps, and considering how the second half of November treated me, I'll consider that a success.
Monday morning rolled around with me keeping Eli home due to the fact that he was without teacher. I called the school and left a message for the principal to return my call with news of his new teacher. I then called the superintendent and had a lengthy discussion with him about our situation. He was very accommodating to our circumstances and informed me that I'd be hearing that day from the principal. I did not hear and had to call after school hours. Finally, he called me and after a curt conversation (on his part), Eli had a new teacher. We met with her the following morning "supervised" by the principal, yet another act on his part to show off his so-called power. She requires all of her students to go to the bathroom at the designated times and has a very clear discipline policy. This week Eli has had no accidents and we've had communication from her every day reporting on his behavior. One day he even made his way back up from a warning to being "ready to learn."
Generally speaking I am a quiet, introverted person, and as most introverts, I am observant, taking in my surroundings, and waiting for the right moment, the right time to speak my mind and only speak it when needed. I do not generally spout off my opinions at will for any or all to hear. And that is why I have absolutely no use for the principal of my children's school. I am appalled at his behavior towards me and my family and his misuse of his position to give himself a sense of power or self-worth or whatever he feels he is lacking in his life. Everyone is so focused on the parents' role in the school, the teachers' role in the school, the students' role in the school. What about the administrators? The leaders? The people who set the tone? The people who set the example?
And with that, I will now share where I was yesterday...a job interview. Two English teacher positions were posted before Thanksgiving. I applied to both and got a call Monday from the one district. This district neighbors our small town and it's a very nice suburban, middle-class demographic. They also offer employee discounts for sending their own children to their schools. It's the "perfect" place for me to be. It's also a long-term substitute position that could potentially lead to nothing permanent. Or, it could be a foot in the door. And ever since I scheduled the interview, I've had severe anxiety. The "what-ifs" abounded, still do, but I carried on and prepared for the interview.
It was terrible! It was completely robotic, with the three administrators taking turns asking me questions and writing my answers down, no response, no dialogue. I have some pretty unique experiences in the field of education, and you'd expect people who have not shared those experiences to maybe want to learn a little about them. I talked about them as much as the pre-planned questions allowed, but that was it. And then it was my turn to ask the questions. This is not my forte in the interview process, but I had some planned. Here's how it went:
Principal: So, do you have any questions for us?
Me: What do you expect of me in terms of classroom management and routines? Do you want me to follow the established routine, or do you want me to create something of my own? (The teacher is not coming back this year, so these will be my students for the remainder of the year.)
Principal: Well, I would only expect you to create your own plan if you found serious fault with what was in place, but I can assure you that this is a very beloved, accomplished teacher who you'll be filling in for and she is very well like and respected by all of her students with virtually no discipline issues. The system she has works, so I don't think it would benefit you to walk into her room on the first day and rip down her list of rules (and he actually put his hands up and acted out ripping something off the walls.)
Me: Okay.
Principal: Do you have any more questions?
Me: Nope, I'm good.
And then I went and wrote a two paragraph essay on the scope of language arts as it pertains to the Common Core Standards, and if you are not familiar with Common Core, you should know that the scope of language arts could fill pages upon pages of books.
Yeah, I'm really starting to question if I want my foot in the door. I will either get a phone call Monday or I won't. I can't really go into all the fears and questions I have going in my mind right now. My mind is far too manic on that subject to put my thoughts into words. I just pray that the way will somehow reveal itself to me. And in the meantime, there is my December challenge...it's been a fun one!
Monday morning rolled around with me keeping Eli home due to the fact that he was without teacher. I called the school and left a message for the principal to return my call with news of his new teacher. I then called the superintendent and had a lengthy discussion with him about our situation. He was very accommodating to our circumstances and informed me that I'd be hearing that day from the principal. I did not hear and had to call after school hours. Finally, he called me and after a curt conversation (on his part), Eli had a new teacher. We met with her the following morning "supervised" by the principal, yet another act on his part to show off his so-called power. She requires all of her students to go to the bathroom at the designated times and has a very clear discipline policy. This week Eli has had no accidents and we've had communication from her every day reporting on his behavior. One day he even made his way back up from a warning to being "ready to learn."
Generally speaking I am a quiet, introverted person, and as most introverts, I am observant, taking in my surroundings, and waiting for the right moment, the right time to speak my mind and only speak it when needed. I do not generally spout off my opinions at will for any or all to hear. And that is why I have absolutely no use for the principal of my children's school. I am appalled at his behavior towards me and my family and his misuse of his position to give himself a sense of power or self-worth or whatever he feels he is lacking in his life. Everyone is so focused on the parents' role in the school, the teachers' role in the school, the students' role in the school. What about the administrators? The leaders? The people who set the tone? The people who set the example?
And with that, I will now share where I was yesterday...a job interview. Two English teacher positions were posted before Thanksgiving. I applied to both and got a call Monday from the one district. This district neighbors our small town and it's a very nice suburban, middle-class demographic. They also offer employee discounts for sending their own children to their schools. It's the "perfect" place for me to be. It's also a long-term substitute position that could potentially lead to nothing permanent. Or, it could be a foot in the door. And ever since I scheduled the interview, I've had severe anxiety. The "what-ifs" abounded, still do, but I carried on and prepared for the interview.
It was terrible! It was completely robotic, with the three administrators taking turns asking me questions and writing my answers down, no response, no dialogue. I have some pretty unique experiences in the field of education, and you'd expect people who have not shared those experiences to maybe want to learn a little about them. I talked about them as much as the pre-planned questions allowed, but that was it. And then it was my turn to ask the questions. This is not my forte in the interview process, but I had some planned. Here's how it went:
Principal: So, do you have any questions for us?
Me: What do you expect of me in terms of classroom management and routines? Do you want me to follow the established routine, or do you want me to create something of my own? (The teacher is not coming back this year, so these will be my students for the remainder of the year.)
Principal: Well, I would only expect you to create your own plan if you found serious fault with what was in place, but I can assure you that this is a very beloved, accomplished teacher who you'll be filling in for and she is very well like and respected by all of her students with virtually no discipline issues. The system she has works, so I don't think it would benefit you to walk into her room on the first day and rip down her list of rules (and he actually put his hands up and acted out ripping something off the walls.)
Me: Okay.
Principal: Do you have any more questions?
Me: Nope, I'm good.
And then I went and wrote a two paragraph essay on the scope of language arts as it pertains to the Common Core Standards, and if you are not familiar with Common Core, you should know that the scope of language arts could fill pages upon pages of books.
Yeah, I'm really starting to question if I want my foot in the door. I will either get a phone call Monday or I won't. I can't really go into all the fears and questions I have going in my mind right now. My mind is far too manic on that subject to put my thoughts into words. I just pray that the way will somehow reveal itself to me. And in the meantime, there is my December challenge...it's been a fun one!
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