And guess where I get to go tonight? An indoor water park for a kid's birthday party. Have you ever been to an indoor water park? I had my first experience last year at my niece's. It is sickeningly warm and humid. It's like the hottest day in July but you're surrounded by hundreds of strangers. Yes, strangers. In a confined space. The floors are slimy. Everything you touch is slimy. And people brush their wet, sticky bodies up against you because there is no room to move.
I was at first questioning if I needed to stay. But, yes, I need to stay. It's a freaking water park! I'm not leaving my eight year old to fend for himself at a water park. Then I thought maybe I don't need to wear a swimsuit. What am I thinking??? Of course I need to wear a swimsuit. My kid is a selective mute. He has severe anxiety in crowds. There's no way in hell he's going to go off with his friends without me. Nope! There I'll be sitting in a 100 degree room with 90 percent humidity with a lanky, gangly eight year old strewn across me refusing to leave my lap. Damn, where the fuck did I put my bathing suit?
[SKIP AHEAD TO MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, CAN'T SLEEP, EMOTIONALLY WRECKED]
I began this post early on Friday, November 21st and at that time my biggest worry was that frickin' waterpark and finding my bathing suit. It turns out that waterpark was the best part of my day, after the horrendous drive there. This place, traffic-free, is probably no more than ten or fifteen minutes from my house, but an hour later fighting with Turnpike and 295 traffic and the DAMN NEW JERSEY JUGHANDLES (I made so many loops, cursing Friday nights and New Jersey and my husband for not cleaning his windshield and I'm sure adding to my son's anxiety which will probably tack on a few extra therapy sessions) we finally made it.
Before I recount the night's events, let's back up a bit to parent conferences. Report cards came out last Friday. Wednesday I took the boys for their flu shots and happened to mention to the office staff there that Eli was having bathroom issues at school and despite my efforts, i.e. pleading with the teacher to ensure his use of the bathroom, he was still not going. He was embarrassed and afraid to ask her or say that he had to go. They said they'd have the doctor write a note and it'd be ready the next day. That night I get a call from the doctor himself telling me to get the kid in the office to be tested for a urinary tract infection because, you know, he's got that alien kidney and all. My husband and I joked that if she didn't start making sure he went to the bathroom, we'd pull the kidney card, but we never actually thought it'd hurt him. I don't know why I didn't think the situation would hurt him. His kidney has never been a serious threat and we've finally gotten to the point of putting it out of our minds and moving past it. Thanks to this teacher who refused to say, "You must go and try to use the bathroom," my son who has made it this far with no problems is at risk.
OK, so we meet with the principal before our conference with her about that issue first and foremost, but also because the child continues to have behavior issues and we continue to get no communication from her aside from a bunch of stars on a piece of paper, or no stars, given the day, and the kid is thoroughly confused because she also has a behavior ladder and some days when he gets no stars he's at the middle of the ladder on "blue" and other days he gets a whole bunch of stars and will be low on the ladder on "yellow" or "orange". And not only is he publicly ridiculed on this ladder, but she decided to mark down his participation grade in all subjects because of this so-called behavior and it actually prevented him from getting an "Outstanding" in reading.
The meeting with the principal went well and we thought maybe there could be some progress made...AND then we met with her. She, who had told me Eli was reading at an advanced level and would bring in chapter books and enrichment material for him, turned around and said she doesn't see that he's reading above grade level. She's the one who told me! She condescendingly praised his behavior that day, but couldn't tell us what color he was on. We turned around to find him on "yellow" because she failed to move him up the ladder as his behavior improved. She said she was inconsistent because the half days were throwing her off. This isn't the first time she's made an excuse for her inconsistency with the chart.
As the conference continued, we were upset but really holding it together and she suddenly makes the statement that she wants to help and support our child but she can't do that when she feels under "attack." Uh-huh? OK...I'm trying to support these multiple behavior charts. I hadn't yet presented her with the doctor's note about him using the bathroom. How am I attacking her? Homework. That was it. Homework. Every Monday night every teacher in grades K through second grade gives the spelling words to copy over two or three times each. Eli knows all of the spelling words every week, first night. He does not need to rote memorize words he already knows. I politely wrote her a note saying that I reviewed the words with him, he knew them all, and had him do some more challenging work in a phonics workbook. I had told her previously that I work with him in these workbooks because they really help bolster his skills and confidence. I explained to her that I did it last year when he was struggling with paragraph writing. He was being pushed too hard and didn't have the skills to be confident in attempting to write paragraphs. He was only five. His kindergarten teacher at first was skeptical, but she was supportive of it. By the end of the year, she even said that Eli had made great progress and that backing off was just the thing he needed. I told ALL of this to his teacher this year. She initially seemed impressed by it, so I was clearly surprised when she referred to it as an attack. Seriously, if I wanted to be insubordinate, I would have written a note saying "Homework sucks and is pointless. We're not doing it!" (By the way, that's how I feel as an educator and rarely gave homework. Practice what you preach, right?)
The conversation moved onto him doing the new "challenge" that comes with copying out the words twice: students can write a story using the spelling words. I love it! It's meaningful, creative, and appropriately challenging. The first night it came home, Eli jumped on it. The second week, he was completely frustrated. Tears were streaming down his face. I stopped him, and said it was OK. We did four workbook pages in its place. I wrote a note to her saying he was frustrated and we did extra work in its place and if she wanted to see the workbook, I'd be happy to bring it in for her. At the conference, she questioned why I wouldn't force him to do the challenge which is an optional challenge for all the students. I told her--again--that he easily gets frustrated with writing and pushing him just makes it worse. She said that he's going to continue to struggle if he's not pushed into doing it. Say what?!?! Yeah, and then he's going to be sitting in ninth grade hating his teacher before he already knows her because she's going to make him write and then she's left with the task of undoing all the damage you caused at six years old. Been there! I told her I refused, REFUSED, to have tears over writing in my house. He will NOT have negative feelings towards the task.
She said more stuff after that, but I was done. I stopped listening and then I realized, so had he. He was tuning her out. He was tuning out her inconsistencies, her condescension, her ridicule. He was going into his little world inside that with Eli always plays itself out in the real world and there was the behavior. He doesn't have ADD. He's surviving in a hostile environment. I walked up to the office and said he will NOT be setting foot in her class again...ever.
So yeah, yada yada yada, the principal couldn't see me then and I'm to meet with him on Monday first thing. But, there's no other option and he knows it.
I was left feeling wrecked. I was completely "that parent" who every teacher dreads. Being a mom is ten times harder than teaching ever was, because no matter how much you want to support educators, your child, your baby, comes first. And then it was time for me to face the waterpark.
We get to the waterpark and there was no. one. there. The party-goers were there, but other than that the place was relatively empty. Sal's friends came running up to him and suddenly my kid had friends. Lots of friends and he ran off and I didn't see him the rest of the night. Do you know how monumental that is? I'm sitting here in tears as I type. He was a normal little boy with all these nice little friends. Yeah, he was the quiet one, but he talked to them. He played with them. It was everything I have always hoped for him. I have never felt such joy.
While I sat there taking in my little boy's accomplishments, I sat with a mom who was at a funeral today. The town over lost a fireman. He was thirty-eight with an eight year old little boy and a four year old little girl. Sal's baseball team played this guy's son's team a couple years ago. He was their coach. He had gone off duty and a few hours later his wife found him dead. Aneurism? Probably a heart attack? At thirty eight. We're thirty eight. I think of my husband, overweight, over-stressed, a wife that makes him go out for Taco Bell. None of that other stuff matters. All the anxiety my kids feel at school shouldn't be because all that stuff, yeah, it's good to know, but it doesn't matter. Their friends matter. Family matters. Fun matters. Taking it all in before it's all gone. That's what matters.
So, yeah, that's why I'm up in the middle of the night.
[SKIP AHEAD TO MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, CAN'T SLEEP, EMOTIONALLY WRECKED]
I began this post early on Friday, November 21st and at that time my biggest worry was that frickin' waterpark and finding my bathing suit. It turns out that waterpark was the best part of my day, after the horrendous drive there. This place, traffic-free, is probably no more than ten or fifteen minutes from my house, but an hour later fighting with Turnpike and 295 traffic and the DAMN NEW JERSEY JUGHANDLES (I made so many loops, cursing Friday nights and New Jersey and my husband for not cleaning his windshield and I'm sure adding to my son's anxiety which will probably tack on a few extra therapy sessions) we finally made it.
Before I recount the night's events, let's back up a bit to parent conferences. Report cards came out last Friday. Wednesday I took the boys for their flu shots and happened to mention to the office staff there that Eli was having bathroom issues at school and despite my efforts, i.e. pleading with the teacher to ensure his use of the bathroom, he was still not going. He was embarrassed and afraid to ask her or say that he had to go. They said they'd have the doctor write a note and it'd be ready the next day. That night I get a call from the doctor himself telling me to get the kid in the office to be tested for a urinary tract infection because, you know, he's got that alien kidney and all. My husband and I joked that if she didn't start making sure he went to the bathroom, we'd pull the kidney card, but we never actually thought it'd hurt him. I don't know why I didn't think the situation would hurt him. His kidney has never been a serious threat and we've finally gotten to the point of putting it out of our minds and moving past it. Thanks to this teacher who refused to say, "You must go and try to use the bathroom," my son who has made it this far with no problems is at risk.
OK, so we meet with the principal before our conference with her about that issue first and foremost, but also because the child continues to have behavior issues and we continue to get no communication from her aside from a bunch of stars on a piece of paper, or no stars, given the day, and the kid is thoroughly confused because she also has a behavior ladder and some days when he gets no stars he's at the middle of the ladder on "blue" and other days he gets a whole bunch of stars and will be low on the ladder on "yellow" or "orange". And not only is he publicly ridiculed on this ladder, but she decided to mark down his participation grade in all subjects because of this so-called behavior and it actually prevented him from getting an "Outstanding" in reading.
The meeting with the principal went well and we thought maybe there could be some progress made...AND then we met with her. She, who had told me Eli was reading at an advanced level and would bring in chapter books and enrichment material for him, turned around and said she doesn't see that he's reading above grade level. She's the one who told me! She condescendingly praised his behavior that day, but couldn't tell us what color he was on. We turned around to find him on "yellow" because she failed to move him up the ladder as his behavior improved. She said she was inconsistent because the half days were throwing her off. This isn't the first time she's made an excuse for her inconsistency with the chart.
As the conference continued, we were upset but really holding it together and she suddenly makes the statement that she wants to help and support our child but she can't do that when she feels under "attack." Uh-huh? OK...I'm trying to support these multiple behavior charts. I hadn't yet presented her with the doctor's note about him using the bathroom. How am I attacking her? Homework. That was it. Homework. Every Monday night every teacher in grades K through second grade gives the spelling words to copy over two or three times each. Eli knows all of the spelling words every week, first night. He does not need to rote memorize words he already knows. I politely wrote her a note saying that I reviewed the words with him, he knew them all, and had him do some more challenging work in a phonics workbook. I had told her previously that I work with him in these workbooks because they really help bolster his skills and confidence. I explained to her that I did it last year when he was struggling with paragraph writing. He was being pushed too hard and didn't have the skills to be confident in attempting to write paragraphs. He was only five. His kindergarten teacher at first was skeptical, but she was supportive of it. By the end of the year, she even said that Eli had made great progress and that backing off was just the thing he needed. I told ALL of this to his teacher this year. She initially seemed impressed by it, so I was clearly surprised when she referred to it as an attack. Seriously, if I wanted to be insubordinate, I would have written a note saying "Homework sucks and is pointless. We're not doing it!" (By the way, that's how I feel as an educator and rarely gave homework. Practice what you preach, right?)
The conversation moved onto him doing the new "challenge" that comes with copying out the words twice: students can write a story using the spelling words. I love it! It's meaningful, creative, and appropriately challenging. The first night it came home, Eli jumped on it. The second week, he was completely frustrated. Tears were streaming down his face. I stopped him, and said it was OK. We did four workbook pages in its place. I wrote a note to her saying he was frustrated and we did extra work in its place and if she wanted to see the workbook, I'd be happy to bring it in for her. At the conference, she questioned why I wouldn't force him to do the challenge which is an optional challenge for all the students. I told her--again--that he easily gets frustrated with writing and pushing him just makes it worse. She said that he's going to continue to struggle if he's not pushed into doing it. Say what?!?! Yeah, and then he's going to be sitting in ninth grade hating his teacher before he already knows her because she's going to make him write and then she's left with the task of undoing all the damage you caused at six years old. Been there! I told her I refused, REFUSED, to have tears over writing in my house. He will NOT have negative feelings towards the task.
She said more stuff after that, but I was done. I stopped listening and then I realized, so had he. He was tuning her out. He was tuning out her inconsistencies, her condescension, her ridicule. He was going into his little world inside that with Eli always plays itself out in the real world and there was the behavior. He doesn't have ADD. He's surviving in a hostile environment. I walked up to the office and said he will NOT be setting foot in her class again...ever.
So yeah, yada yada yada, the principal couldn't see me then and I'm to meet with him on Monday first thing. But, there's no other option and he knows it.
I was left feeling wrecked. I was completely "that parent" who every teacher dreads. Being a mom is ten times harder than teaching ever was, because no matter how much you want to support educators, your child, your baby, comes first. And then it was time for me to face the waterpark.
We get to the waterpark and there was no. one. there. The party-goers were there, but other than that the place was relatively empty. Sal's friends came running up to him and suddenly my kid had friends. Lots of friends and he ran off and I didn't see him the rest of the night. Do you know how monumental that is? I'm sitting here in tears as I type. He was a normal little boy with all these nice little friends. Yeah, he was the quiet one, but he talked to them. He played with them. It was everything I have always hoped for him. I have never felt such joy.
While I sat there taking in my little boy's accomplishments, I sat with a mom who was at a funeral today. The town over lost a fireman. He was thirty-eight with an eight year old little boy and a four year old little girl. Sal's baseball team played this guy's son's team a couple years ago. He was their coach. He had gone off duty and a few hours later his wife found him dead. Aneurism? Probably a heart attack? At thirty eight. We're thirty eight. I think of my husband, overweight, over-stressed, a wife that makes him go out for Taco Bell. None of that other stuff matters. All the anxiety my kids feel at school shouldn't be because all that stuff, yeah, it's good to know, but it doesn't matter. Their friends matter. Family matters. Fun matters. Taking it all in before it's all gone. That's what matters.
So, yeah, that's why I'm up in the middle of the night.
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