As a family, this has been one of the hardest weeks we've ever had to endure. We're all trying to make sense of this experience because it's a first for all of us. My kids are experiencing their first time with loss and the questions that losing someone you love brings about. I'm trying to wrestle with so many feelings I didn't think I'd have as an adult after losing an animal. And we're all just trying to hold it together.
As a mother, it's been an interesting time in seeing how my boys are processing all of this. They're level of understanding is much more than I ever gave them credit for. My oldest son is actually doing quite well. The vet made a stone for us to put in their memorial garden, so he insisted that he go to place the stone in the garden. He was also very excited to pick out toys to donate to the animal shelter. He is using all these actions to heal, which is very comforting to me. The only strange thing is that he is now transferring his affection onto the cat. The cat is NOT amused. He has never really appreciated children, but has done an excellent job in tolerating them. Having the dog help distract the boys away from him...until now.
The two younger ones have been having a harder time than I first expected. It's hit them a little later and I often find them standing with shoulders drooped and tears gently falling. My youngest one especially at random moments declares that he misses her. Picking him up from school yesterday, he asked if she was in the car; I often brought her to pick up. I reminded him that she had died. The conversation that ensued:
"Is God all powerful?"
"Yeeesss??"
"Then He can bring her back to life, right?"
"Yes, He can, but he won't."
"But, why?" (tears welling up in his big blue eyes)
"Because God only lets dogs on Earth for a short time so we can have more dogs and give even more our love."
That seemed to appease him, and I know, it is imminent that we are getting another dog after that conversation. I really thought I'd want more time to heal, but this is where I am a bit shocked by the circumstances. I knew I'd miss her and feel the emptiness in the house without her. I knew coming through the back door would be excruciating. I expected to look out the back door expecting to see her, but only seeing a yard full of squirrels. What I did not expect was this feeling of vulnerability. I feel so exposed. She has had my back, home alone during the day with the boys. I always knew when someone was walking by on the street and she sounded the alarm with every push of the doorbell or knock on the door. Now, silence. It scares me. I haven't been sleeping at night. Having an overactive imagination, I am always hearing things that go bump in the night...or day...but her silence told me all was fine. If there wasn't silence, I'd know something was wrong. Now the bumps come and there's silence regardless. Even my husband, the night owl, said to me a few nights after her passing, "I think I'm just going to go to bed. It's too lonely downstairs without her." It was 8:30.
So we adjust, but not for long. We are a dog family, just currently without the dog.
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