Being Thankful

Despite the week I've had, I have managed to keep up with my reading of Simple Abundance. January is a lot about taking inventory of your life right now as it is. She really does get it. New Year's resolutions, especially ones that involve dieting, exercising, and traveling more, don't really stand a chance when you're under two feet of snow. So we reflect on our circumstances, we accept our circumstances, and we give thanks for what is going well in our lives. This has been especially difficult for me this time reading. This time I have three children, two of whom are in grade school, one of whom has disabilities. Before, I was a young mother of two tiny little boys who were safe and sound in the cocoon we call home. There are certain things in my life that I don't want to accept because they affect much more than me; they affect the well-being of my children, and it's hard to find joy when you feel your kids are struggling and you don't have the power to change it...right this instant.

But I am persevering. I have recommenced my gratitude journal in which I write down five things to be thankful for each day. The first couple of weeks I skipped days here and there, and I sometimes came in under the five mark. I was okay with it because the things I was giving thanks for were sustaining me: my husband and kids, being blessed with a wonderful dog for nearly thirteen years, starting chorus again and being with friends.

Then we had yet another conference with our oldest son's teachers and principal. It went nowhere fast and we were met with hostility and arrogance from the principal and no answers for our son. There are some major issues with teaching practices and performance at our local elementary school. Throw in a kid with a couple disabilities, and you compound the problem. Throw in the fact that both of the kid's parents are teachers, then you really have a problem. After the conference I sat completely defeated. It all felt so hopeless. My brother-in-law who is not known for his intellect said one of the most profound things to me about being a parent: when your children are suffering and you can't help them, that's when you feel most vulnerable and it's the absolute worst feeling in the world. The changes that need to be made at this school, I can't effect alone. No matter how much complaining or conferences or emails I send, it won't matter so long as I'm the only one.

Okay, I now accept that. I have decided to no longer fight it. I have decided to put into practice what I can do at home to help my son. I have decided to channel my energy into alternative solutions for my kids. And it's so hard!! It's so very hard, and sometimes I don't feel thankful for anything on those days.

It's hard to feel thankful on days when you are abandoned by neighbors and friends and you have a very long driveway with two feet of snow and you are worried about your husband's health.

It's hard to feel thankful when the bills are piling up and your husband's contract has yet to be settled after over two years of negotiations.

It's hard to feel thankful when the worries become too big...

But that's why you do the journal, you force yourself into focusing on the good:

the neighbor who showed up with a shovel despite having a hernia

finally making a contact in the home school community

putting dinner on the table for your family when you just wanted to crawl under the covers

reading a funny book

the cat who's going strong at fifteen years old

the parents who put $500 in your bank account for a new snowblower

And then it keeps going. The bad is there. I still worry too much, but tonight before closing my eyes I will have written down five good things about my day. Five things to remind me that life isn't all that bad. Five things to remind me that there will be five things tomorrow and the next day to be thankful for.