As a family, this has been one of the hardest weeks we've ever had to endure. We're all trying to make sense of this experience because it's a first for all of us. My kids are experiencing their first time with loss and the questions that losing someone you love brings about. I'm trying to wrestle with so many feelings I didn't think I'd have as an adult after losing an animal. And we're all just trying to hold it together.
As a mother, it's been an interesting time in seeing how my boys are processing all of this. They're level of understanding is much more than I ever gave them credit for. My oldest son is actually doing quite well. The vet made a stone for us to put in their memorial garden, so he insisted that he go to place the stone in the garden. He was also very excited to pick out toys to donate to the animal shelter. He is using all these actions to heal, which is very comforting to me. The only strange thing is that he is now transferring his affection onto the cat. The cat is NOT amused. He has never really appreciated children, but has done an excellent job in tolerating them. Having the dog help distract the boys away from him...until now.
The two younger ones have been having a harder time than I first expected. It's hit them a little later and I often find them standing with shoulders drooped and tears gently falling. My youngest one especially at random moments declares that he misses her. Picking him up from school yesterday, he asked if she was in the car; I often brought her to pick up. I reminded him that she had died. The conversation that ensued:
"Is God all powerful?"
"Yeeesss??"
"Then He can bring her back to life, right?"
"Yes, He can, but he won't."
"But, why?" (tears welling up in his big blue eyes)
"Because God only lets dogs on Earth for a short time so we can have more dogs and give even more our love."
That seemed to appease him, and I know, it is imminent that we are getting another dog after that conversation. I really thought I'd want more time to heal, but this is where I am a bit shocked by the circumstances. I knew I'd miss her and feel the emptiness in the house without her. I knew coming through the back door would be excruciating. I expected to look out the back door expecting to see her, but only seeing a yard full of squirrels. What I did not expect was this feeling of vulnerability. I feel so exposed. She has had my back, home alone during the day with the boys. I always knew when someone was walking by on the street and she sounded the alarm with every push of the doorbell or knock on the door. Now, silence. It scares me. I haven't been sleeping at night. Having an overactive imagination, I am always hearing things that go bump in the night...or day...but her silence told me all was fine. If there wasn't silence, I'd know something was wrong. Now the bumps come and there's silence regardless. Even my husband, the night owl, said to me a few nights after her passing, "I think I'm just going to go to bed. It's too lonely downstairs without her." It was 8:30.
So we adjust, but not for long. We are a dog family, just currently without the dog.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Goodbye, Sweet Pup
Yesterday was one of the hardest experiences I've ever had. The mass in her mouth began bleeding over the weekend. She was pawing at her face and compulsively licking her legs most likely out of frustration over the sore in her mouth. On Saturday we made the call to the vet, Monday morning 10:00 AM. We had a final day to get in our last hugs and pets and kisses and to say goodbye to our dear, dear friend.
We were with her when she passed. The last person she saw as she breathed her final breath was me huddled over her, petting her and telling her what a good girl she was. And oh how I miss her! Last night the door bell rang three times. No one comes to our door, no one. I held my breath each time for the howls to ensue, but silence. Terrible, lonely silence. And not only that, but vulnerability. For the first time there wasn't a dog between me and whoever was on the other side of that door.
This was my boys' first experience with death. They each are handling it very differently, my oldest son taking it the hardest. He's upset because he feels he was robbed of three years with her; she was three when he was born. He feels we should have waited to get her as a puppy until he was born then he'd have those extra years. His reasoning is a little off, but the feeling was dead on. I had twelve years with her, he had nine, but either way it wasn't long enough. I realized just how short her life was. It's amazing how much love is shared in those twelve short years.
We are going to make a headstone for her in the backyard and we are taking a collection of items to donate to the local animal shelter. I am going to get a necklace for myself. All little tokens to ease the pain a little less and preserve and honor her memory. But for now, there are just tears and hugs and more tears.
We were with her when she passed. The last person she saw as she breathed her final breath was me huddled over her, petting her and telling her what a good girl she was. And oh how I miss her! Last night the door bell rang three times. No one comes to our door, no one. I held my breath each time for the howls to ensue, but silence. Terrible, lonely silence. And not only that, but vulnerability. For the first time there wasn't a dog between me and whoever was on the other side of that door.
This was my boys' first experience with death. They each are handling it very differently, my oldest son taking it the hardest. He's upset because he feels he was robbed of three years with her; she was three when he was born. He feels we should have waited to get her as a puppy until he was born then he'd have those extra years. His reasoning is a little off, but the feeling was dead on. I had twelve years with her, he had nine, but either way it wasn't long enough. I realized just how short her life was. It's amazing how much love is shared in those twelve short years.
We are going to make a headstone for her in the backyard and we are taking a collection of items to donate to the local animal shelter. I am going to get a necklace for myself. All little tokens to ease the pain a little less and preserve and honor her memory. But for now, there are just tears and hugs and more tears.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Goals & Questions
The first couple days of the Simple Abundance journey are pretty gentle. They, for one, are short, just a couple paragraphs. And two, they only ask you to think and write a few things down. Think...I do way too much of that, but yesterday I did force myself to write some of my thoughts down on paper. It's amazing how therapeutic that can be. Day one of the Simple Abundance journey suggests making a list of goals or plans or ideas you want to explore for the upcoming year, so here's what I wrote down:
Photography
Many people have said to me that I should pursue photography as a career, or at least a somewhat lucrative hobby. I love taking pictures and have read up on some basic techniques that have made some of my shots pretty awesome. But, as soon as you say the word 'settings' my brain goes a bit fuzzy. The mechanical, technical part of it all is where I get a bit stupid. I keep saying I want to take a class. My dad, who has no photography skills whatsoever nor does he care learn any, bought a state of the art digital camera last summer. Why? Because he could. He doesn't understand why this irks me. One of the reasons I haven't taken a class is because I don't really have, nor can I afford, the equipment. I think he'll let me borrow the camera for a course, so that is going to be one of my monthly goals in the spring or summer. I want to explore this a little more and have waited far too long to do so.
Writing
Duh. I've picked this back up again. I got a little too sensitive and dejected, but last year at this time when I was writing consistently I felt better. So writing.
Crocheting
Now that I can follow an actual crochet pattern and have graduated to intermediate level, I'm contemplating crocheting for cash, in a semi-lucrative hobby sort of way. It's relaxing and I can be somewhat social while doing it, watching TV or a movie with my family or taking a turn or two with the video game controller. The problem, or hitch, is going to be making enough items to sell. I don't want it to turn into a chore, but rather a labor of love.
Home Projects
Last year when I began my monthly challenges I had planned that one month in the spring was going to be devoted to home improvement projects. When I returned to work, that didn't happen. I really want to take time this year to make some affordable improvements to our house. This task is a bit daunting because owning a house is a never-ending list of projects, many of which are expensive.
Homesteading
It has always been a dream of mine to live on a small farm and live off the land as much as possible. Why I moved to a suburb of Philadelphia in South Jersey is beyond me. Our borough won't even allow us to have a backyard chicken coop. If I lived one block over in the next borough, I'd be allowed chickens and even a couple of goats. While the prospect of having chickens, goats, and maybe a couple of donkeys is one hold, I have decided to try and make my home as much of a homestead as the borough of Palmyra will allow it to be. For one, I want to begin worm composting. And I'm contemplating beekeeping, but I'll have to research more into that for the safety of my kids. We have two raised bed vegetable gardens which produced the best harvest we've had yet. There's definitely a learning curve involved there. And finally, eleven years ago my mother-in-law bought me a canner. I have yet to use it. It's very intimidating, but this year I want to begin canning more than just strawberry jam.
So those are all my plans for the new year. Pretty hefty, I know. The second day of the Simple Abundance journey calls for you to "live the questions". All of the above are linked to some major questions I have for my family's and my own future. Our kids' schooling is a major concern, so we have contemplated moving for them and also explored the possibility of sending them to private school. This, of course, leads to questions regarding funding of such a venture which in turn leads to me exploring new ways to make money for the family and new career paths. So many "what ifs". I realized last year in the middle of teaching that I was living the questions. I had been asking myself for three years if I wanted to return to teaching. Guess what? There's only one way to know the answer. You have to live the question and then you get your answer. So all of those above projects are me living my questions, exploring new possibilities, looking for some open windows.
Photography
Many people have said to me that I should pursue photography as a career, or at least a somewhat lucrative hobby. I love taking pictures and have read up on some basic techniques that have made some of my shots pretty awesome. But, as soon as you say the word 'settings' my brain goes a bit fuzzy. The mechanical, technical part of it all is where I get a bit stupid. I keep saying I want to take a class. My dad, who has no photography skills whatsoever nor does he care learn any, bought a state of the art digital camera last summer. Why? Because he could. He doesn't understand why this irks me. One of the reasons I haven't taken a class is because I don't really have, nor can I afford, the equipment. I think he'll let me borrow the camera for a course, so that is going to be one of my monthly goals in the spring or summer. I want to explore this a little more and have waited far too long to do so.
Writing
Duh. I've picked this back up again. I got a little too sensitive and dejected, but last year at this time when I was writing consistently I felt better. So writing.
Crocheting
Now that I can follow an actual crochet pattern and have graduated to intermediate level, I'm contemplating crocheting for cash, in a semi-lucrative hobby sort of way. It's relaxing and I can be somewhat social while doing it, watching TV or a movie with my family or taking a turn or two with the video game controller. The problem, or hitch, is going to be making enough items to sell. I don't want it to turn into a chore, but rather a labor of love.
Home Projects
Last year when I began my monthly challenges I had planned that one month in the spring was going to be devoted to home improvement projects. When I returned to work, that didn't happen. I really want to take time this year to make some affordable improvements to our house. This task is a bit daunting because owning a house is a never-ending list of projects, many of which are expensive.
Homesteading
It has always been a dream of mine to live on a small farm and live off the land as much as possible. Why I moved to a suburb of Philadelphia in South Jersey is beyond me. Our borough won't even allow us to have a backyard chicken coop. If I lived one block over in the next borough, I'd be allowed chickens and even a couple of goats. While the prospect of having chickens, goats, and maybe a couple of donkeys is one hold, I have decided to try and make my home as much of a homestead as the borough of Palmyra will allow it to be. For one, I want to begin worm composting. And I'm contemplating beekeeping, but I'll have to research more into that for the safety of my kids. We have two raised bed vegetable gardens which produced the best harvest we've had yet. There's definitely a learning curve involved there. And finally, eleven years ago my mother-in-law bought me a canner. I have yet to use it. It's very intimidating, but this year I want to begin canning more than just strawberry jam.
So those are all my plans for the new year. Pretty hefty, I know. The second day of the Simple Abundance journey calls for you to "live the questions". All of the above are linked to some major questions I have for my family's and my own future. Our kids' schooling is a major concern, so we have contemplated moving for them and also explored the possibility of sending them to private school. This, of course, leads to questions regarding funding of such a venture which in turn leads to me exploring new ways to make money for the family and new career paths. So many "what ifs". I realized last year in the middle of teaching that I was living the questions. I had been asking myself for three years if I wanted to return to teaching. Guess what? There's only one way to know the answer. You have to live the question and then you get your answer. So all of those above projects are me living my questions, exploring new possibilities, looking for some open windows.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Happy 2016!
I'm back...again. I have never been one for New Year's resolutions. For one, being a teacher I have always felt that September was a better time for starting fresh. I also feel that coming off the holidays is probably one of the hardest times to reset. I mean, you're completely exhausted and have so much clean up that just getting the decorations put away and the cookies down to one tin is success enough. January has always felt like a time to rest and recover, not necessarily start new. I also get a bit superstitious this time of year. There are so many statements that this year is going to be the year, I can't help but feel like that is tempting fate. I can almost hear Fate saying, "Oh yeah? This is going to be the best year of your life? Let's just see about that." I guess that is the pessimist (though I prefer realist) in me.
However, this year I'm feeling a little differently. Looking back to where I was this time last year, I realize how monumental 2015 was for me. I became a full-time working mom again, abandoned my career, and went back to being at home with my kids. January through June I was in full on survival mode. There was no time for resolutions. It was simply adjust, adjust, adjust to being in the classroom again. Only I never did adjust to it. In fact, I picked up some pretty nasty habits as a result of it and continued with them the remaining six months of 2015. In addition to the bad habits, I was also floundering around feeling a whole lot lost and without purpose and stuck in a big, fat rut.
As 2016 drew closer and closer, I decided that this year I'd make some resolutions and recommit to my family, my health, and my home. I'm taking it in baby steps, no complete overhaul on January 1st. I have to be gentle with myself because I already know there are going to be some major obstacles and heartaches to endure. This is not going to be the best year ever. I know this because we are facing the impending death of our family dog. She has been with us for almost thirteen years and has terminal cancer. We were graced with her presence over Christmas, but she is fading. This will be the first pet I have ever had to put down, and it will be the first time my boys have ever experienced death and loss. To be perfectly honest, I began January 1st in tears with a feeling of overwhelming depression and loss. And that's okay. That is life. I'm embracing those feelings because it is depressing. It's sad and awful and to push those feelings aside would be an injustice to her. So, I'm taking it slowly and steadily and gently.
The first resolution is to commit myself to reading Sarah BanBreathnach's Simple Abundance. If you are unfamiliar with it, it first came out around twenty years ago. It's a very large, very pink book that was featured on Oprah. For each day of the year there is an essay to read that allows you to reflect upon some aspect of your life. Six years ago, a mother of two under three, I was deep into mommy-dom and feeling a little out of touch with myself. I used one of my gift cards and began reading it on January 1st. I carried out many of the exercises and made habits of some of them. That book was a nightly meditation and saw me through one of the most traumatic times of my life--the loss of my night school job. In the midst of losing that part of my life, I continued reading Simple Abundance and it kept me feeling hopeful and optimistic for the future. It also got me thinking about who I was as an individual. She continually talks about "the authentic self". I felt I could use a refresher course.
My second resolution is to resume my monthly challenge, only I no longer want to refer to it as a challenge. Too much pressure! I simply want to have a focus each month. January is going to be about finding order again in my home--as much order as is possible with three little boys and a husband. But, the month will include the reinstatement of my weekly cleaning schedule as well as some key areas in the house that need decluttering and reorganizing. Today I began by scrubbing our bathroom. One room down!
My third resolution is to begin living a healthier lifestyle again. As I mentioned in my last post, I was focusing on our food spending. While I didn't stay within my $600 budget for the months of November and December, I did cut back spending by a few hundred dollars each month. Progress. Baby steps. I want to continue that progress and also add in some healthy foods and delete some not so healthy foods. I'm starting with "Strive for Five"; i.e. five servings of fruits or vegetables every day. I thought about recommitting myself to my calorie counter and cutting carbs, but it's January! It's cold, somewhat, and there are still cookies and New Year's Eve appetizers in the house. Baby steps. I am cutting alcohol out of my diet for the month of January. At the risk of sounding like a borderline alcoholic, that glass of wine was starting to turn into two or three and on more nights in a week than I care to admit. So today I had a clementine with my breakfast and for lunch I had a buffalo chicken salad where I forced myself to eat all the veggies before finishing the chicken. (It's usually the other way around.) We're having brussels sprouts with dinner, and I think I'll follow up with another piece of fruit. And instead of having a glass of wine while typing this, I finished a cup of tea.
There are my three teeny-tiny resolutions. Reflect, focus, add more of the good and take out some of the bad. I am reminded of a quote by Zora Neale Hurston: There are years that ask questions and years that answer. Last year began with a very strong answer to the question of whether I wanted to continue being a teacher. It ended with many, many questions when the answer was no. I look towards 2016 with both apprehension and hope. I know sadness awaits, but life does tend to balance itself so there is joy to be had.
However, this year I'm feeling a little differently. Looking back to where I was this time last year, I realize how monumental 2015 was for me. I became a full-time working mom again, abandoned my career, and went back to being at home with my kids. January through June I was in full on survival mode. There was no time for resolutions. It was simply adjust, adjust, adjust to being in the classroom again. Only I never did adjust to it. In fact, I picked up some pretty nasty habits as a result of it and continued with them the remaining six months of 2015. In addition to the bad habits, I was also floundering around feeling a whole lot lost and without purpose and stuck in a big, fat rut.
As 2016 drew closer and closer, I decided that this year I'd make some resolutions and recommit to my family, my health, and my home. I'm taking it in baby steps, no complete overhaul on January 1st. I have to be gentle with myself because I already know there are going to be some major obstacles and heartaches to endure. This is not going to be the best year ever. I know this because we are facing the impending death of our family dog. She has been with us for almost thirteen years and has terminal cancer. We were graced with her presence over Christmas, but she is fading. This will be the first pet I have ever had to put down, and it will be the first time my boys have ever experienced death and loss. To be perfectly honest, I began January 1st in tears with a feeling of overwhelming depression and loss. And that's okay. That is life. I'm embracing those feelings because it is depressing. It's sad and awful and to push those feelings aside would be an injustice to her. So, I'm taking it slowly and steadily and gently.
The first resolution is to commit myself to reading Sarah BanBreathnach's Simple Abundance. If you are unfamiliar with it, it first came out around twenty years ago. It's a very large, very pink book that was featured on Oprah. For each day of the year there is an essay to read that allows you to reflect upon some aspect of your life. Six years ago, a mother of two under three, I was deep into mommy-dom and feeling a little out of touch with myself. I used one of my gift cards and began reading it on January 1st. I carried out many of the exercises and made habits of some of them. That book was a nightly meditation and saw me through one of the most traumatic times of my life--the loss of my night school job. In the midst of losing that part of my life, I continued reading Simple Abundance and it kept me feeling hopeful and optimistic for the future. It also got me thinking about who I was as an individual. She continually talks about "the authentic self". I felt I could use a refresher course.
My second resolution is to resume my monthly challenge, only I no longer want to refer to it as a challenge. Too much pressure! I simply want to have a focus each month. January is going to be about finding order again in my home--as much order as is possible with three little boys and a husband. But, the month will include the reinstatement of my weekly cleaning schedule as well as some key areas in the house that need decluttering and reorganizing. Today I began by scrubbing our bathroom. One room down!
My third resolution is to begin living a healthier lifestyle again. As I mentioned in my last post, I was focusing on our food spending. While I didn't stay within my $600 budget for the months of November and December, I did cut back spending by a few hundred dollars each month. Progress. Baby steps. I want to continue that progress and also add in some healthy foods and delete some not so healthy foods. I'm starting with "Strive for Five"; i.e. five servings of fruits or vegetables every day. I thought about recommitting myself to my calorie counter and cutting carbs, but it's January! It's cold, somewhat, and there are still cookies and New Year's Eve appetizers in the house. Baby steps. I am cutting alcohol out of my diet for the month of January. At the risk of sounding like a borderline alcoholic, that glass of wine was starting to turn into two or three and on more nights in a week than I care to admit. So today I had a clementine with my breakfast and for lunch I had a buffalo chicken salad where I forced myself to eat all the veggies before finishing the chicken. (It's usually the other way around.) We're having brussels sprouts with dinner, and I think I'll follow up with another piece of fruit. And instead of having a glass of wine while typing this, I finished a cup of tea.
There are my three teeny-tiny resolutions. Reflect, focus, add more of the good and take out some of the bad. I am reminded of a quote by Zora Neale Hurston: There are years that ask questions and years that answer. Last year began with a very strong answer to the question of whether I wanted to continue being a teacher. It ended with many, many questions when the answer was no. I look towards 2016 with both apprehension and hope. I know sadness awaits, but life does tend to balance itself so there is joy to be had.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Countdown to Forty
Yesterday was my 39th birthday. It was a pretty awful day. My husband and children did nothing for me. I mean, I didn't even get wished a happy birthday until maybe 10 in the morning, hours after everyone was up. And then around three in the afternoon my husband suggests going grocery shopping to make me a birthday dinner. Ummm, no thanks. You don't plan a birthday dinner for someone at dinner time the day of the birthday. I made dinner myself, and cleaned up the mess. The kids didn't even know it was my birthday until my parents came down and told them and then told them to say happy birthday. By then, it'd have been better if we had just pretended it wasn't my birthday at all.
Not exactly the kick off to my final year of the thirties I'd been hoping for. I think all moms at some point want to just run away and leave it all behind. We don't because there are little moments of happiness that keep us around. Yesterday, I just wanted a different life altogether. I think I was perceived as being spoiled because I was upset I didn't get presents or taken to a fancy dinner. That makes me even sadder because what I really wanted was just a little effort. A day to not have to think about what's for dinner. A day where instead of me talking about and planning for others, someone planned something, anything, for me.
But I'm still here. I did the dishes, threw in a couple loads of laundry, carted the boys to school, went grocery shopping, and called the vet. I stay committed to this because the alternative of leaving would destroy my children and eventually me, knowing what I had done to them. Plus, most of it is the life I chose and it's the life I want. I like caring for my kids and my home and my husband. I find great joy in it, truly. And my husband really isn't that bad of a guy. He slipped up, as I certainly have done in the past.
So we move onto another day, another week, another year. As October draws to a close, I look towards November with some plan of action in mind. This morning I totaled our food expenses, which for us includes grocery bills, eating out, and miscellaneous purchases of diapers, toiletries, etc. It was over $1400. How? Why? What? Completely excessive and inexcusable. I'm not even going to mention the food we've tossed in the trash. I don't find myself to be a wasteful person. I'm frugal and money conscious, and this part, of all parts of my life, is ridiculous that I spend this much money sometimes literally throwing it away.
So my next step is to get a handle on this spending on FOOD! I'm not much of a couponer, preferring to buy store brand and sales. Most of the coupons I find I don't really care for the products. But, I did go onto Target.com and printed out some coupons. I'm also going on a cash only basis. Once the cash is gone, it's gone. In addition, I'm bringing a calculator with me to the grocery store. My thriftiness in buying generic and sale items isn't enough. I need to really assess what we need and what can stay on the shelf. I realize as I type this that there are women out there who spend $150 a month on groceries for like a family of ten. Well, I'm not her and I know that none of these ideas of mine are novel or earth-shattering. I'm just trying to rein in the spending a little and stay in a $600/month grocery budget. Maybe the $150/month budget will come in time, but not this November.
Not exactly the kick off to my final year of the thirties I'd been hoping for. I think all moms at some point want to just run away and leave it all behind. We don't because there are little moments of happiness that keep us around. Yesterday, I just wanted a different life altogether. I think I was perceived as being spoiled because I was upset I didn't get presents or taken to a fancy dinner. That makes me even sadder because what I really wanted was just a little effort. A day to not have to think about what's for dinner. A day where instead of me talking about and planning for others, someone planned something, anything, for me.
But I'm still here. I did the dishes, threw in a couple loads of laundry, carted the boys to school, went grocery shopping, and called the vet. I stay committed to this because the alternative of leaving would destroy my children and eventually me, knowing what I had done to them. Plus, most of it is the life I chose and it's the life I want. I like caring for my kids and my home and my husband. I find great joy in it, truly. And my husband really isn't that bad of a guy. He slipped up, as I certainly have done in the past.
So we move onto another day, another week, another year. As October draws to a close, I look towards November with some plan of action in mind. This morning I totaled our food expenses, which for us includes grocery bills, eating out, and miscellaneous purchases of diapers, toiletries, etc. It was over $1400. How? Why? What? Completely excessive and inexcusable. I'm not even going to mention the food we've tossed in the trash. I don't find myself to be a wasteful person. I'm frugal and money conscious, and this part, of all parts of my life, is ridiculous that I spend this much money sometimes literally throwing it away.
So my next step is to get a handle on this spending on FOOD! I'm not much of a couponer, preferring to buy store brand and sales. Most of the coupons I find I don't really care for the products. But, I did go onto Target.com and printed out some coupons. I'm also going on a cash only basis. Once the cash is gone, it's gone. In addition, I'm bringing a calculator with me to the grocery store. My thriftiness in buying generic and sale items isn't enough. I need to really assess what we need and what can stay on the shelf. I realize as I type this that there are women out there who spend $150 a month on groceries for like a family of ten. Well, I'm not her and I know that none of these ideas of mine are novel or earth-shattering. I'm just trying to rein in the spending a little and stay in a $600/month grocery budget. Maybe the $150/month budget will come in time, but not this November.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
The First Steps
Today I took the first steps to refocusing myself. Step one: No. More. Facebook. There are things I love about Facebook. There's a support group for SM parents, and since there are so few of us, it's been very comforting and crazy informative. I love keeping in touch with my cousins and other family members who live far away. And I like keeping up with old high school friends, which is weird because most people want to forget high school. But lately, Facebook makes me sadder than it does happy. For one, friends I thought were good friends, are not. Things I used to think they were too busy for in general turned out to be things they were too busy for just me. It also fosters a false sense of community. I'm "friends" with far too many local people who really don't care to be a real friend and I no longer have time for people like that in my life. And finally it makes me miss people, people who would be good, loyal friends again if I lived closer to them. But I don't. So it's time to just take an indefinite break.
Second step: Focusing on what I can control and letting go of what I can't. I'm done with superintendent meetings and principal meetings. It sounds like giving up, but it's not. It's being realistic. Without community support, there isn't much I can do and it's a huge expense of energy and emotions that could otherwise be spent on my family and myself. I need to focus on cutting grocery expenses, for real, because that is in my control as much as I let it get out of control. The other big thing I need to realize that is not in my control, and this is HUGE, is the state of my house. My house is my refuge and I used to believe that it's one of the few things in my life that I can control. I can keep it clean and nicely decorated, but I'm not the only person who lives here. There are four other people and an old cat and an old dog. They all have a piece of this house and render its overall state out of my control. I can focus on just a tiny piece of it at a time and I'm going to have to let the other stuff go. Maybe then I won't have a major meltdown when my husband throws his nicely folded underwear haphazardly into a drawer--true story, it wasn't pretty. And with that mindset, today I cleaned all three bedrooms in record time.
And finally step three: Giving thanks. I used to religiously write in a gratitude journal every night and for some inexplicable reason I stopped. I write down five elements of my day that brought me joy or happiness. Sometimes it's big things, like my kids and husband. Sometimes it's wrestling the dryer sheet out of the cat's mouth before he swallows it and then eventually barfs it up. I record funny things the kids said or did, milestones they've reached, or the book I'm enjoying at the moment. It ends the day on a positive and helps to drive out the negative thoughts.
Second step: Focusing on what I can control and letting go of what I can't. I'm done with superintendent meetings and principal meetings. It sounds like giving up, but it's not. It's being realistic. Without community support, there isn't much I can do and it's a huge expense of energy and emotions that could otherwise be spent on my family and myself. I need to focus on cutting grocery expenses, for real, because that is in my control as much as I let it get out of control. The other big thing I need to realize that is not in my control, and this is HUGE, is the state of my house. My house is my refuge and I used to believe that it's one of the few things in my life that I can control. I can keep it clean and nicely decorated, but I'm not the only person who lives here. There are four other people and an old cat and an old dog. They all have a piece of this house and render its overall state out of my control. I can focus on just a tiny piece of it at a time and I'm going to have to let the other stuff go. Maybe then I won't have a major meltdown when my husband throws his nicely folded underwear haphazardly into a drawer--true story, it wasn't pretty. And with that mindset, today I cleaned all three bedrooms in record time.
And finally step three: Giving thanks. I used to religiously write in a gratitude journal every night and for some inexplicable reason I stopped. I write down five elements of my day that brought me joy or happiness. Sometimes it's big things, like my kids and husband. Sometimes it's wrestling the dryer sheet out of the cat's mouth before he swallows it and then eventually barfs it up. I record funny things the kids said or did, milestones they've reached, or the book I'm enjoying at the moment. It ends the day on a positive and helps to drive out the negative thoughts.
A.N.T.'s
I can only liken it to the high of having a new baby and then that coming off the high and sinking lower than ever before. Last spring, when I finished that teaching job from hell and all but abandoned traditional teaching forever, I felt like the world was so bright with possibilities. And to give me that little added boost, I wrote an article in thirty minutes, sent it off to "Scary Mommy" and, yes, they will publish it. This blog got hundreds of views, people actually commented on posts I'd written. And then we left for vacation, in the mountains, secluded, and this new life I had seemingly given birth to is perfect.
But we returned from vacation, and "Scary Mommy" had declined more pieces, and they hadn't paid me for the one that did get published, and I could think of nothing but complaining to write on my blog, not to mention the pressure to "be a blogger" and all the design that accompanies it. I thought that maybe it would be a source of income, but as I read more about it, I felt this tremendous pressure to be something I was not. First, I didn't want to whore out my project. My blog was never meant to be this depiction of a perfect life and how your life could be perfect, too. It was meant to be a log of how I take life one day at a time and force myself into finding happiness when the big things get way too big. Suddenly the blog was one of the way too big things.
A.N.T.'s started infiltrating my life. Automatic Negative Thoughts. I don't really like to write. It's not for me. Blogging is more for professional writers/graphic designers. That's not really my thing. I experienced a little bit of a lag and immediately talked myself out of writing and blogging altogether. And what made it easier was my children returning to school. We began therapy again for my oldest son with selective mutism. Since school started, the boys' school has had one evacuation and two lockdowns as a result of threats. The school has not been handling the situation as well as they could. It was the perfect excuse to say my focus can't be with writing/blogging at this time.
Only, I have been finding myself getting unhappier by the day to the point where I'd say I'm clinically depressed. My body aches. I've gained weight. I sleep during the day, have insomnia at night. I'm obsessing about money and all the things we can't afford (like private school or moving) and who is there for me and who isn't. And my cat is sick. My fifteen year old cat suddenly starting drinking obsessively. He's had two UTI's and is losing weight. The vet has offered no preventable or manageable solutions other than antibiotics when the infections occur nor have they said he's dying, but they are very content to bill me hundreds of dollars at each visit and send me home to clean cat urine out of rugs or comforters. It's exhausting and just sad.
But suddenly two weeks ago I got mad at myself over something. "Scary Mommy" hadn't paid me and I just let them not pay me. I never followed through with it. I actually used it as a "sign" that I wasn't meant to be a writer. How stupid was that?!?! I wrote a piece that people loved and I deserved to be paid. I emailed them and the issue was immediately resolved. Just a glitch in processing a new writer. The cat remained sick, the school remained broken, my son continues to have SM, but there was a little glimmer a couple of weeks ago.
That glimmer spurred me to write another article. I don't know if it's been accepted yet, but I wrote it and sent it. It was a step. And it means enough to me to keep putting it out there until it is published. It was written to bring awareness to selective mutism, so that's not something I'm willing to give up on. While writing it, I started missing my blog, my blog from last year where I was writing about scrapbooking and books and finding fun projects to do around the house, anything to distract me from life.
Even though I was missing my blog, I had yet to sit down at the computer and write. Last Wednesday was the most recent lockdown at my boys' school. The oldest was too scared to eat his lunch. The middle was denied bathroom access, wet his pants, and was left to sit in it for the remainder of the day. The school had yet to address what was really happening. On top of this, the school continued to trudge through ridiculous amounts of meaningless homework...I won't go into details, but I feel like I'm homeschooling my kid with all the work and modifications I'm making to the work that the teacher doesn't have time for, apparently. I went to the board of education meeting last week incensed only to be met with denial that the school has any sort of problem. We met with the superintendent on Monday to, in his words "hit the reset button". He's very good at saying what you want to hear, but no change ever comes of it, and we walked away feeling empty.
On Tuesday there was a parent meeting to address the lockdowns, a week after the third incident. There was an element of hysteria at the meeting, parents calling for metal detectors, others crying because they don't want metal detectors. Others are on a witch hunt to punish the perpetrator(s). What did I want to know? How does this happen three times and you have no idea who it is? They are just now implementing and following through on bathroom logs. As of Tuesday, they have yet to limit the number of students out at the bathroom. Are more frequent checks of the bathroom being put into place? The answers were, of course, yes those plans are going to be put into action. Why aren't they already put in place? Some schools this is just policy from day one, and you're saying it wasn't put into place after the first incident. Our kids had metal detector wands used on them and bomb sniffing dogs going through their belongings twice because you have no idea who was in the bathroom in a block of time and can only narrow it down to fifty kids? The meeting ended with some parents praising the school for all it's doing (denial that their kid is in a potentially unsafe position) and others just shaking their heads.
That was us, just shaking our heads and feeling powerless to do anything. I have never been so down as I was yesterday. I had surpassed sadness and anger. I felt like it all was just hopeless, the school, the cat, all of it.
This Sunday I turn thirty-nine. As I lied in bed last night, I realized that it is hopeless, those things. My cat is going to die and the school isn't going to change over night. But I had one thing going for me, this blog. And I remembered what happened last year when I focus on the blog and the projects I had attached to it, my life changed. I got out of the house and landed a teaching job. And though it didn't turn out the way I wanted, at least I knew. I grew as a person, moved forward. I'm back to sitting still and I hate it. I don't want to be a blob at forty who is so achy she feels like she's seventy.
I'm now focusing on what I can control and change in my life, and that is me. I can control the fate of this blog. I can learn about how to develop it slowly and within my terms of what I want it to be. I can keep writing and let it be what it is. And I can change my body and what I eat. I can control that, and it's really time I start.
On Sunday it'll be 365 days not just to happiness, but to FORTY!
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